Old Man Cheese

There was an old man who lived all alone
In a shack way back in the trees
And nobody came to visit this man
Because of his fondness for cheese

His wife and his children had all moved away
And they hadn’t seen him for so long
Because the old man was so fond of cheese
And you know that his cheese was quite strong

He’d buy 50 pounds of cheese at a store
Cheddar and Monterey Jack
And wrap it up tight in an old burlap sack
And bury it deep in a hole way out back

And there it would lie for days and weeks
Until the cheese started to smell
And the odors drifted into the shack
And he said “aah, it’s aging quite well”

It smelled so gross, so awful and vile
It drove away mammal, bird and reptile
The bear held its nose with a handkercheif
The deer went and stood in the swamp for relief

The rats and the squirrels took off on the run
“Aha” cried the man, “It’s almost done!”
The smell was so putrid, so sour and green
The skunks packed their bags and departed the scene

The turtles locked up their shells with a clank
The mailman arrived with an oxygen tank
Good heavens, how the neighborhood stank

Worse than the smell of a hundred dead fishes,
The old man thought it was just delicious.

Then a bird flying hundreds of feet overhead
Fluttered, and cried out, and fell to earth dead
And the neighbors called the police
Who came,
and stood on the highway and called his name.

They wore cheeseproof masks and cheeseproof suits
And rubberized steel-covered cheese-proof boots
“We’re coming in, throw down your cheese
and put your hands in the air and freeze!”
They cried, advancing through the trees.

But that old man was hard of hearing
He simply came out in his clearing
Out to the cheese that he dug up, and which
He spread on bread and made a sandwich

That cheese was rotten
And how it stunk
Like putrid pus,
big glops
and drips
Whole pukey lumps of greenish gunk
That oozed through his teeth
And between his lips

They fired their tear gas, one two three
The old man laughed “ha ha ha, there’s no tears in me
That’s the beauty of cheese
It protects a man against all kinds of adverse effects.
Especially the ones from the opposite sex.”

He went in his cabin and closed the door
And took a nap on the hardwood floor
While the police stood outside and debated,
Should the cheese be buried or cremated
How should the house be fumigated
Should it be vacated and bombarded?
At last it got dark and they all departed

And referred the problem to somebody
Who referred it to committee for further study
And the committee wrote a long report
Saying the matter should be taken to court

And so it was
And a suit was brought
And the paperwork was simply vast
And the lawyers argued
And the judges thought
And motions were filed
And ten years passed
And eventually the case was tried
By presiding judge Harold G. Hyde

And a jury was found and notified
And they sat in the courtroom, bleary-eyed
From Halloween until Easter-tide
As witnesses came and testified
Including a lady who sat and cried
Recalling the cheese that had putrefied

Hundreds of experts, well qualified
Came, and took positions on either side
And motions to recess were denied
And finally the jury, though stupefied
Seemed just about ready to decide
The very next day, the old man died.

He died peacefully, in his sleep
And his body was buried six feet deep
There in a clearing, in the trees
In a coffin made of Roquefort cheese

That was about two years ago
I visit his gravesite often, you know
Especially around Halloween

As I was standing there yesterday
I noticed the delicate bouquet
Very nice if you like gangrene
Elegant mixture of sour and sweet
Of well-aged cheese beneath my feet

I had no shovel, unfortunately
But maybe, late this evening, we,
Could feast
On the deceased

You say you don’t like the taste of death?
Of course you do, I’ve smelled your breath.

 

by Garrison Keillor